Let’s Talk About Celine Song’s “Materialists”
Alright, where are those people who told me to go see Materialists? Because we need to talk, and our friendship might be on the line. Just saying. I went last night, and this movie stars Dakota Johnson, Pedro Pascal, and Chris Evans. I was hyped, mainly because of Celine Song. Past Lives was one of my favorites that year, so I had high hopes. But this week? We gotta talk.
The Story and Dialogue? A Big Nope.
There could’ve been something here, I swear. I kept wanting to say it’s a good story, but it missed the mark. Big time. Specifically, the dialogue. Who the hell talks like that, number one? And number two, the dialogue was basically the whole damn narration. I don’t need you to explain every little plot point. I’m smart enough to figure things out. It felt off-putting, and I’m not gonna lie, it felt written by AI. I hate to say that because I love Celine Song, but the plot, the dialogue, the storyline—just not feeling it.
No Chemistry and Dakota Johnson’s Acting
They wanted me to believe there was some connection between Dakota Johnson’s character and Chris Evans. There was no on-screen chemistry whatsoever. Didn’t believe it. And that brings me to the acting. Why does Dakota Johnson keep getting roles? She is not a good actress. I don’t care. She’s so stiff, so robotic in her delivery. I don’t believe anything she says. Her and Chris Evans? Cold. No emotion. I didn’t even sense she believed the story. Pedro Pascal was okay at the start, then it went sideways with the whole leg thing. It’s Pedro Pascal, come on!
Cinematography and Costume Design: The Few Glitches of Hope
Now, the cinematography? That’s the one redeeming thing. Some beautiful shots. There are moments where I was like, “Okay, this looks gorgeous.” There’s this one scene where Dakota Johnson’s character is at a client’s home, and they’re in the kitchen together. It’s beautifully shot. If you see it, look for that.
Then the costume design. They want us to believe she lives in New York City making $80,000 a year, but she’s wearing clothes that are supposed to look poor or frumpy and mumsy. But you know it’s probably designer stuff! They tried too hard to make her look like a “regular girl.” She lives in NYC, not a rural town! She looked like a 60-year-old woman. Not believable.
The Ending and My Final Verdict
This film has a lot of flaws. And it’s not a rom-com, people! Stop calling it that. There were no comedic moments. It’s a drama, plain and simple.
And the biggest piece of this entire film that pissed me off? SPOILER ALERT! (If you don’t care, listen on.)
The end of the film, she picks the poor guy! Can we just have a film where a girl can be selfish and realistic about being happy in life? Why do we have to suffer? It wouldn’t have been so sour if I even believed the chemistry between her and Chris Evans’ character. I actually thought she had more chemistry with Pedro Pascal’s character. And that handshaking thing when they broke up? So weird. I called my sister after and said, “This is just an upgrade of a Hallmark movie.” She said, “Yeah, all they need is snow and them stranded.” It felt like it could’ve gone straight to Tubi.
I’m sorry, Celine Song, because I wanted to love this so much. I only went because of you, as I am not a Dakota Johnson fan.
I’m giving it a 1.5 out of 5 stars.
